One of your parents died. It happens. When it does, the impact is personal and creates all kinds of challenges. How do I help my grieving parent, while I am grieving myself? How is my role different now as the child of a parent now alone? It’s all so complicated!
Books can be written (and probably have been) about the issues involved in this significant, unwelcome change in the family. I’m no expert. My father died in 1998. My mother was widowed for 12 years until her death in 2010. I personally have been widowed for over a decade. So, I do have some experience. Also, I have interacted with hundreds of people while serving in the Widowhood Workshop Ministry, both the widowed and children of the widowed. I do have some thoughts to share directed to the children of the widowed.
#1) Your mother, or your father are still alive. They’re not dead yet. Let them live. Encourage them to live. When you lost a parent, they lost a spouse. The loss of a spouse is unparalleled because the blessing of marriage is unparalleled. They may feel dead. They may want to die. Early on in the journey without a beloved spouse, the impact can be dramatic beyond words. Please be patient with them. When they do begin recovering and living again—let it happen. Endorse it. Encourage it.
During this time, they may have ideas about what they would like to do or even make decisions that seem out-of-character for them. Let them. When you were growing up, your parents watched you gradually embrace living. Your crazy decisions just about drove them crazy. It’s the circle of life—payback! Respect their choices to move forward. Share your perspective, but let them live and learn just like they did you years ago.
#2) Your widowed mother, or father is still human. It’s tempting to see our parents differently than other people. After all, they’re our parents. We have known them all our lives. They are self-sufficient. They can handle anything. They always have. It’s almost like we view them as some sort of DC or Marvel character. Larger than life!
Widowed parents are human beings. I know. I am one. I know legions. We have thoughts, feelings, needs, and desires. Just like we always have, but children don’t often recognize that. They never have. I know. I used to be one of those clueless adult children with a widowed parent, too. This lack of awareness can cause children to be puzzled, even shocked by their parent’s post-loss behavior, thinking, conversations, decisions, etc. Several weeks after the loss of his wife, a widower that I know was sharing with his daughter about how he was struggling with the loss of romantic touching, caressing, and sex. His daughter replied with some levity, “Well, I can’t help you with that.”
Yes, widowed parents are still alive—no matter what their age. They are actually human—not robots or machines.
~Dean Miller
Widowhood Workshop 