I arrived for my vision care appointment. I am not a fan of digital check-in, but I did it anyway. When the screen appeared requesting my marital status, I mentally responded, “Are there actually that many options?” Of course, among the options were “Single,” “Married,” and “Widowed.”

When I was 19 years old, one Wednesday night at the local park I proposed to my girlfriend. She said, “Yes!” Less than five months later we said, “I do.” On that Saturday afternoon we changed our marital status from “Single” to “Married.” We were both so excited! It was a youthful dream come true for both of us. A couple hours later, we launched our journey to relocate over 600 miles away from our parents.

​Being married to Ruth Ann was a joy. We meshed well together. It was a relatively smooth transition from “Single” to “Married.” The Lord blessed us richly. Three daughters later, we felt even more married—we were a family. There were stressors, but the blessings far outweighed the challenges.

​In her early 50’s, my wife was diagnosed with Parkinson’s Disease. Her decline was swift for a patient with that affliction. At age 61, she passed away on Christmas morning. Our marriage ended! Forty-one years together was not long enough, but what could I do about it? I had to accept it. That took time.

​I chose to go from “Single” to “Married.” I was forced to go from “Married” to “Widowed.” Happy she was “with the Lord” (2 Corinthians 5:6-8), but I was a mess that she was gone. How do you go on living when the one you love mostdies? Over time and with much struggle, I learned the answer: walk by faith, not sight, nor feelings. Embracing God’s grace became sufficient in my weakness (2 Corinthians 12:9).

Identifying myself as “Widowed” distinguishes me from those who are “Single.” I am a widower. That reveals two things about me: (1) God blessed me to experience life married. Oh, what a blessing that is! It’s an unparalleled blessing that is chock-full of priceless blessings. God was so good to me that I enjoyed that unique “one flesh” relationship for over four decades. God is good! (2) I hoed my row all the way to the end. Not everyone who marries hoes their row all the way to the end. I did. I said, “…until death do us part,” and I meant it. I lived it.I am proud of the fact that by the grace of God, I was able to care for my wife with a physical affliction for over eight years.

No, I’m not “Single.” I’m “Widowed.” There’s a difference.  Perspective matters.

~Dean Miller

deanmiller@widowhoodworkshop.com

Widowhood Workshop Ministry (Public FB Page)

Joy Johnson completed her 25^th run in the New York City Marathon. In recent years she has annually been the oldest woman to participate in this event. She stumbled and hit her head near the 20-mile mark of the 26.2-mile race but, still, arrived at the finish line with a time of seven hours, 57 minutes, 41 seconds. Now that’s determination! She died in her sleep the next day at the age of 86. 

    Determination is always critical to achievement or success. Without it we are easily distracted and tempted to quit. Determination comes from deep within us when we are “bound and determined” to see something through to the end no matter what. When we experience negative circumstances (and the negative thoughts and feelings they ignite) our determination can dwindle, even die.

    Imagine losing a loved one. For some of us, we don’t have to imagine. It’s our reality. We are actually living life after loss. Imagine losing a beloved spouse, our dearest person on earth. Life after loss requires a lot of determination. It’s tempting to die when our loved ones die, especially a marital mate. Life may not seem worth living anymore. We may not want to live anymore. We may wonder who we are since we are no longer someone’s wife or husband. We may end up drifting into a mere state of existence.

    When we experience loss, we have a right to grieve. We need to grieve. We need to grieve in ways that are effective for us individually. We need to grieve deeply as long as necessary for us. For a while, it may take a lot of determination just to get up out of bed or engage in our daily routines. It will definitely take a lot of determination to learn to cope day in and day out with the reality of loss and how it has impacted our life. Building a new life after loss requires hard work for a long time.

    Christians suffer loss like everyone else. However, God’s word helps us understand that living a Christian life is the ultimate marathon (1 Corinthians 9:24-27). It is a race that requires endurance (Hebrews 12:1). A focused determined effort is critical to ending with an “imperishable crown” (1 Corinthians 9:26-27). This personal discipline involves both self-control and self-motivation. We are going to experience hard times, possibly even horrific loss because of the fallen world in which we live. Christians are not exempt from trials (James 1:3-5; 1 Peter 2:19-20; John 16:33). We must keep reminding ourselves not to give up, not to quit. We must be determined to finish our race, even if someone we love has finished theirs long before us. Determination is critical to meaningful life after loss. One of the mottos of the Widowhood Workshop ministry is: “Don’t Die Until You’re Dead!” Be determined to keep living, no matter what!

~Dean Miller

deanmiller@widowhoodworkshop.com

Widowhood Workshop Ministry (Public FB Page)

(This is the third in a series of three blogs about the widowhood journey.)

Here is a plan for life after loss of a spouse: Goal #1: Survive. Goal #2: Cope (see
previous blogs). Goal #3: Grow. It is not the mere passing of time but what we do
with our time that determines whether or not we achieve our life goals.

No human being goes through a crisis without being changed. Extreme
stressful experiences have an impact. They can cause us to become negative
people. Bitter. Resentful. Critical. Apathetic. Crises, though, can also stimulate
growth. We do not choose our crises, but we do choose our reactions to them.
We can choose to grow after loss.

Spousal loss is an unparalleled painful experience. The loss is one thing, living
with it (every single day, every single night) is another. Both are crises. They
challenge those of us left behind. We have to decide how we are going to react.
Choosing to grow, i.e., changing for the better, is a wise decision. It is actually
taking the burden and using it to make a blessing.

1. We can grow faith. An unchallenged faith can become weak, not unlike unchallenged muscles which lead to weakness of the body. Loss can motivate us to seek a closer walk with the Lord, the rely more on His direction.
2. We can grow insight. One of the ways wisdom is gained is by experiencing hardships. A lot can be learned about life, ourselves, people, human nature, relationships, etc. while dealing with difficulties. The loss of a spouse can bring clarity to our view of earthly life.
3. We can grow empathy. Loss can soften us up, cause us to not just have more compassion or sympathy for others but even empathy. It can prompt us to be more naturally vulnerable to the feelings or experiences of others. Empathy can become a motivator to minister to hurting people.
4. We can grow ministry effectiveness. When we know little to nothing about what others are going through, it is hard to know what to do to help them. The experience of loss teaches us more effective ways of serving hurting people.
5. We can grow gratitude. Life is a gift we should never take for granted. Yet, we do. When do we appreciate our health? Often, not until we lose it. I thought I appreciated my wife. After her passing, I found out…not nearly enough. I look back now with less grief and a whole lot more gratitude.
6. We can grow endurance. If we survive…if we learn to cope…we are raising our endurance level. Runners build stamina by experience. Long distance runners challenge themselves with plans that can include pain. Increasing our ability to endure life’s challenges often comes from experiencing them.

Loss and all that goes with it can ruin us. Grief can become our taskmaster. We
can degenerate into a shell of the person we once were. That, though, does not
have to happen! We can choose a different reaction, a different result. It is
summarized by a book title: Growing Through Grief.

~Dean Miller

deanmiller@widowhoodworkshop.com

Widowhood Workshop Ministry (Public FB Page)

Work Cited:
Flatt, Bill. Growing Through Grief. Nashville: Gospel Advocate Co., 1987.

(This is the second in a series of three blogs about the widowhood journey.)

The first realistic goal for a recently widowed person is survival (see previous blog). There is no need to think of coping if we do not choose to survive the loss of our spouse. Make no mistake, it is a choice. A friend’s Facebook post recently observed: “I had rather die while I am living than live while I’m dead.” Not everyone feels that way. Some choose the latter philosophy. They die before they are dead. They die when their mate dies. Life no longer seems worth living. Consequently, they bury the living with the dead. They choose to merely exist.

    If we string together several days or weeks of surviving, we build self- confidence. We begin thinking we might be able to try to do more than just breathe. Maybe we can do more than baby steps in our grief journey.

    Visiting at a hospital one day, I remember seeing a flyer taped to a wall in the elevator. It had three words on it that caught my attention: “I Can Cope.” It was a flyer promoting a cancer patient support group ministry at that hospital. Love that affirmation: “I Can Cope.” Yes, we can. We are wired to be resilient. And when we add to that natural resilience, reliance upon God(Proverbs 3:5-6; Psalm 25:4-5; Philippians 4:11-13), we can cope with anything.

    What is coping? How is it different than surviving? Survival is just keeping our head above water. We are just doing what we have to do to get through each day. Coping is when we intentionally are changing our thinking and behaviors to successfully manage our circumstances. We have heard about people telling other people to “get a grip!” Well, when we are coping, we are “getting a grip” on things (most of the time). We are changing our minds and actions to meet the challenges we are facing. We are re-establishing a meaningful purpose and direction for our life. 

Think of the difference this way. You are in a small boat in rough waters. All you can do is keep yourself in that boat as it tosses aimlessly in the turbulence. That is survival. Coping is when you discover there actually are oars and an anchor in the boat and you choose to use them. Now you have some control over the boat. You start rowing in an intended direction. When you are exhausted from rowing in your desired direction, you can let down your anchor and rest without becoming dislocated. All along you had oars and an anchor available. Your inability to see them and think straight were due to your high stress level. You have been so consumed with surviving this frightening experience that you did not realize there were oars and an anchor available. Now you are beyond merely surviving. Now you are coping! Now you are making progress.

~Dean Miller

deanmiller@widowhoodworkshop.com

Widowhood Workshop Ministry (Public FB Page)

(This is the first in a series of three blogs about the widowhood journey.)

Overwhelmed. It can feel like you are drowning and you don’t have what it takes to keep your head above water. Despair. It can seem like there is no hope. Shock. This is not real. This can’t be happening. Numb. Heartbreak past feeling.

    It is an awful thing to lose your beloved spouse. Sometimes it happens suddenly. For others, it may be something expected for a long time. Either way, you may think things you have never thought and feel things you have never felt. It is not uncommon bearing that heavy burden of grief that you question yourself. “Am I going to make it?” “I don’t think I can handle this.”

    There is good news! George A. Bonanno, a clinical psychologist, has written a book titled: The Other Side of Sadness: What the Science of Bereavement Tells Us About Life after Loss. In it he observes, “Humans are wired to survive…Resilience is the norm” (p. 155). We may not feel that way, though. It may not be what the circumstances would lead us to believe. It is true. Instinctively, we will fight to survive.

    The first realistic goal for a recently widowed person can be summarized in one word: Survive. Surviving is hard. It takes focused determination over a sustained period of time, yet, one day at a time. Jesus advised, “Sufficient for the day is its own trouble” (Mt. 6:34). At times, it may seem so bad it is better to think in terms of one hour at a time. In the movie, Finding Nemo, Dory advised, “Just keep swimming!” My advice to the widowed early on? “Just keep breathing!” Not often is this wise, but it is in dealing with serious loss: expectvery little of yourself. Don’t press. Just keep breathing. Early on, survival is all that is necessary.Look at getting through each day as a victory. Accumulating victories builds confidence.

In the exhaustion, weakness, even desperation that can come with grief our greatest source of strength is the Lord. “Hear my cry, O God; Attend to my prayer. From the end of the earth I will cry to You, when my heart is overwhelmed; Lead me to the rock that is higher than I” (Psalm 61:1-2). His grace not only saves, it sustains. In a painful time in the apostle Paul’s life he was reminded by the Lord, “My grace is sufficient for you, for My strength is made perfect in weakness” (2 Corinthians 12:9). When deeply grieving our loss, there is nothing we need more than greater reliance on the Father of grace whose strength is made perfect in our weakness. #survivedailybygrace

~Dean Miller

deanmiller@widowhoodworkshop.com

Widowhood Workshop Ministry (Public FB Page)